If Newspapers Go Out Of Business, Then Who Do I Call

One part of my job is to answer the phone for the general sports number. I basically act as a barrier between the callers and people who have better things to do than answer every call. Sometimes it is a sportswriter who is checking to make sure someone got his story or has a question about his story or deadline. Unfortunately, that is just a small percentage of the calls.

The rest of them probably can be split into four groups: angry readers, drunk sports bar goers, the only phone number I have saved is The Palm Beach Post's Sports Department and people who still have yet to learn how to use the internet. To help you understand what I have to deal with most nights I work, I will give you a few examples of these groups.

ANGRY READER

1. Every parent whose mildly talented child did not get the recognition she/he deserved by people left off the All-Area Teams. I understand your child is trying to play sports in college but if she/he did not get enough nominations from coaches or good enough stats to crack honorable mention, then your child is going to want to come up with a backup plan.

2. The next one is a caller whom I have spoken with a couple times at this point, I refer to him as SEC guy. While I am a believer that the SEC is the best football conference in college, your request to get more coverage of University of Georgia and other out of state SEC schools into the South Florida newspaper is probably going to go unheard but everyone except me.

3. My favorite frequent angry caller is an old lady that after a couple evening cocktails can no longer contain her hatred for Michael Vick...or for black people in general. She was quite upset with our "coverage of that dog killer". Our coverage meaning one sentence mentioning him in the recap of an Eagles' game. But Vick being a freed man is apparently that black president Osama's (yes, she did call him Osama) fault because years ago someone like that would be given a more severe punishment. 

Drunk Sports Bar Goers

These always the same. A few friends get into an argument over some obscure sports fact and decide to wager who is right. Of course the only person who could possibly give you the answer is a person in the sports department. Lucky for me, I am that person. The questions are easy enough to look up, but since no one can be trusted, I am asked to either say it again after he puts me on speakerphone or the other option of them just passing the phone around while I tell each one the correct answer.

The Only Phone Number I Have Saved Is The Palm Beach Post's Sports Department

1. A Marlins game is scheduled to appear on SunSports. Instead, some sort of skateboarding competition is on the station. While Marlins fans don't crowd the stadium, the do like watching the game in their air-conditioned homes. So of course outraged by this injustice they all took to the phones to call the only people who could fix it...the local paper.

2. Similar situation except instead of TV it was radio and instead of Marlins it was Yankees. Despite the station's commercials informing listeners that do to maintenance they would be switching to another station number for a few days, they were still baffled by the game not being on the radio, so again they turned to the only people who could fix it...the local paper.

3. This next group is a mix of this group and the last. They call with some sort of knowledge about what is going on in the world, which leads me to believe they know about the internet, but either don't like refreshing websites or are so loyal to newspapers but still impatient, so they call to ask what the latest news on some trending topic in the local sports world. To make sure they keep buying those papers, I tell them there is no new news but check tomorrow's paper for any possible developments. I probably should be getting paid for my subscription work.

People Who Still Have Yet To Learn How to Use The Internet

Before I started working here, I assumed most people at least had internet. Now, I am not so sure. I knew some people were inept at using search engines, but I still assumed they had the option available. Some of the questions I have been asked are:

1. Who won Dancing with the Stars?

2. What time do the Marlins play Saturday?

3. Is the lockout over?

4. What does a pitching coach say to a pitcher during a mound visit?

5. What time does is your office bulding open?

6. How do you get to the magicJack's soccer practice field?

7. How can I cancel my subscription? 

8. How do you determine how many games behind one team is from another team when they haven't played the same amount of games? (This took three phone conversations for her to understand)